Neko Porno/Transcript
MARIK: Hello, I am Bakura. BAKURA: And I'm Marik. (Marik and Bakura laugh) BAKURA: You know, I actually thought I'd keep a straight face through all of that. MARIK: Oh. It's funny because it's the other way around, really. Aha! BAKURA: Yes. Today, we are going to be preforming a sketch that has been devised by one of our highly intelligent fans. Recently, LittleKuriboh auctioned off the chance to have your very own script idea made into a video - all donations going to charity of course. MARIK: Yes. And the winner was somebody called Shadow...owowowolf. Man, that is one awesome screen name. Hey Bakura, what's your online handle? BAKURA: My what now? MARIK: Your internet name. What do you go by on the information super-highway? I mean, I know your e-mail is Florencexxx@hotmail.com-- BAKURA: Don't! Remember what happened the last time you gave out my e-mail in public? MARIK: Oh yes... the fanart. BAKURA: It took hours to delete. MARIK: Hey, remember that one with- BAKURA: Yes! MARIK: --and you were totally-- BAKURA: Yes! MARIK: I mean, creepy, as it was, you have to admit they got it pretty accurate. BAKURA: ...Y-Yes. MARIK: So, what do you call yourself online? BAKURA: Uh, Midknight. MARIK: What? BAKURA: Midknight, only... it's spelled with a "K". You know Mid-K-night. MARIK: Wooow. It's like midnight only it's different. BAKURA: Yes. It's like I'm a knight who's armor is crafted from purest darkness. A shroud of impenetrable evil. Forum trolls would quiver at my feet. MARIK: You know, I think I remember cybering with someone called Mid-K-night. BAKURA: Umm.... MARIK: Only she insisted that she was a girl. Very keen though. Very...descriptive. BAKURA: I uh..I...guess it must have been someone else called Midknight. MARIK: Yeah! So anyway, Shadowowoolf e-mailed us an example of what he wanted us to do in this video. Let's take a peeky-poo. "It starts off with Bakura dressing Marik as a Nyko (Catboy), then taking him to a darken room to play with him (yaoi), but as they approached the door, they hear strange noises, and as they open the door, they find Kaiba and Yugi getting on. Not sure how it happened, but it did and Bakura wants to get it on because he is so lonely, and a chance for a foursome rarely comes up, and then in the end, it all turns out to be a dream by Bakura then he turns his head to see Marik." BAKURA: We're not seriously doing that, are we? I mean, that's pornography! There's no way I'm going to subject myself to-- MARIK: Oh, come on, Bakura! It's for charity! Don't be such a prude. BAKURA: What makes you think I care about charity? MARIK: "Charitay". That's what you sound like. "Charitay". "My name's Bakura and I like to over-enunciate all my words and raise my voice at the end of my sentences." BAKURA: Why are you-- MARIK: "Charitay". BAKURA: Why are you-- MARIK: "Charitay". BAKURA: Oh, fine! I'll do the bloody video! so... MARIK: Meow. I am a cute Neko-Neko-Marik. BAKURA: Indeed. Now Neko-Neko-Marik, would you like to come into this convenient dark room over here and let me play with you? MARIK: You haven't given me my Fancy Feast yet. BAKURA: Neko-Neko-Marik! MARIK: Oh, fine. I will come into the dark room with you so that you can have your way with me. Meow. BAKURA: Yess. The sex that we're about to have will be all kinds of kinky. Now, drop those pants and show me your-- (cut to episode 4) YAMI: --Feral Imp! And now, I will add this Horn of the Unicorn, so that it's magic will raise my ATK points. (cut back) MARIK: Amazing! Now let me just reach down here and grab your-- (cut to episode 27) PEGASUS: --Funny Bunny! Such a clever rabbit, forever evading Ruff Ruff McDogg, and his long paw of the law. Oh, how I'd spend hours watching their never-ending antics and perpetual game of hide and seek. KAIBA: Just make your move! (cut back) BAKURA: Uh! Feels good. (subtitles read "We are experiencing technical issues") Marik, you are a very good kitty. MARIK: Meow. (subtitles read "We apologize for any interference this may cause") BAKURA: Uh! I think I just-- (cut to episode 19) PARA: --creamed! DOX: So you must duel as a team. BAKURA: Two on two? JOEY: Like a tag team? (cut back) MARIK: Man! Wouldn't it be really awkward if somebody else was in here with us? YUGI: Surprised gasp! KAIBA: What are you two doing in here? BAKURA: We could ask you the same question. MARIK: Yeah! What are you two doing in here? BAKURA: Uh, Neko-Neko-Marik. I just said "We could ask you two the same question". That means you don't have to say it. MARIK: Ohh. Right. Meow. KAIBA: Is everything-- MARIK: What are you two doing in here? YUGI: Uh. Um. We were...uh...just...trying to...have a duel. MARIK: Oh yeah? Then where's your trading cards? YUGI: Uh... KAIBA: We...uh...must have...dropped them. MARIK: Uh huh. KAIBA: Outside. Somewhere. MARIK: Right... Meow. KAIBA: Here. Why don't you guys go look for them. And we'll be-- MARIK: Why? So you guys can have even more out-of-character sex? Oh no I di-n't! Meow. KAIBA: Did you just call me...(dramatic music) out-of-character? Cat-boy? MARIK: Maybe I did. Meow. KAIBA: Oh, you just opened yourself up a big ol' can of KaibaCorp-brand whoop-ass, friend-o. BAKURA: Ladies. Ladies. Please. There's no need to resort to unnecessary violence. KAIBA: Oh, believe me. It'll be very necessary. YUGI: Uh, for the record. I was totally thinking of the Dark Magician Girl the entire time. KAIBA: And I was thinking of the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. YUGI: That...still...seems...really...weird. You know that right? KAIBA: Look. I'm a billionaire. I can get away with having messed-up fetishes. What's your excuse? YUGI: ...Still weird. KAIBA: Oh, excuse me. Do you need more time alone with your Dark Magician? YUGI: It's the Dark Magician Girl! KAIBA: Uh huh. YUGI: There's a difference! A very big difference. KAIBA: Oh. You mean like the difference between my height and yours? YUGI: No, more like the difference between my winning streak and your loss record. KAIBA: (mumbles) You're still short. BAKURA: Uh hum. Excuse me. If we're done acting like children-- MARIK: Never! BAKURA: If...the rest of us are done acting like children, then may I suggest we all have sex with each other? YUGI: What? KAIBA: What? MARIK: Meow? I mean, what? BAKURA: Oh come on. Haven't you all seem Chasing Amy? If we all have sex, it will resolve all of our differences. Plus, we'll make a lot of impressionable young women very happy. KAIBA: I don't care about either of those things. BAKURA: You'll get to prove how much better you are then the rest of us. KAIBA: I do like that. MARIK: Hooray! Let's all have sex with each other! BAKURA: We must do this dirty deed in less then fifteen minutes. YUGI: Why? Is something going to happen? BAKURA: No. That's just YouTube's video time limit. YUGI: Let's get down to it and have ourselves lots of freaky-- (cut to episode 8) KEMO: --Star Chips. And the rules say he is to be kicked off the island. PINK-SHIRT KID: But I didn't lose my chips in a duel. They were stolen from me! My cards, too! (cut back) KAIBA: Oh yeah! Put it right in my-- (cut to episode 19) YAMI: --Beaver Warrior. (cut back) MARIK: This is the best fake sex I've ever not had! (police sirens) YUGI: Wait. Is that a police siren? TRUDGE: All right. Nobody move. KAIBA: Who the hell are you? TRUDGE: Officer Trudge. Fan-fiction police. Investigating reports of a possible canon violation. BAKURA: Fan-fiction police. I didn't even know they existed. TRUDGE: Yeah, you knows. Some fan-fics are harmless enough. You writes about those cute little midgets from Lord of the Rings, going off onto adventures in twinkly-dinkly land. Then the next think you knows Gobo and Pam are bumping uglies in the middle of Mordor. That's where I's comes in. It ain't an easy job. I mean, have you ever tried arresting a pair of horny hobbits in the middle of a war zone? It ain't pretty. No. Not pretty at all. KAIBA: Yes, but what are you going here? TRUDGE: Look, pal, I've seen enough Yu-Gi-Oh!s to know that you guys aren't suppose to be doing it with each others. I mean, I don't even think Kaiba knows what sex is. And there's no way Marik would ever agree to sleep with Yugi. No, no, no. I'm going to have to take you guys in for questionings. MARIK: But we are going this for charity! TRUDGE: Charity Shmarity, kid. I can't let this story continue in the direction it's goings. Not without severe repercussionseseseses. BAKURA: Uh. Uh. But. No. You see, at the end of the story it turns out it's all a dream. TRUDGE: Not acceptables. It's a cheap cop-out endings. And besides, you guys already did that in the last evil council video. BAKURA: Oh bugger. He just had to be a fan, didn't he? MARIK: Please, Mr. Police man, won't you think of the children? TRUDGE: I am thinking of the childrens. And that's exactly what you should have been doing when you agreed to have sex with three other men. MARIK: What? TRUDGE: Get in the car! Later MARIK: Oh. Well. That was easy. BAKURA: Yes. I'm surprised he just let us go like that. MARIK: I know, right? That one guy said we hadn't really done anything wrong. BAKURA: Yes. Apparently, our pairing is pretty much canon, anyway. So we were released on a technicality. MARIK: Ah. But Yugi and Kaiba have to serve a five-year sentence in fan-fic prison, home of the most criminally inaccurate characters known to man. (cut to prison) KAIBA: Where the hell is Mokuba? He's supposed to be paying my bail. YUGI: Would you relax? At lease our cell mate seems friendly. THIEF KING BAKURA: Hello. My name is Akefia, and I like to go for long walks in the park and kiss my girlfriend full on the lips. Hey would you guys like to hear a poem? YUGI: Man, where do they come up with this stuff? THIEF KING BAKURA: Shall I compare thee to a summer's duel? KAIBA: I want my damn phone call! ("Bad Boys" plays. Text reads "Thanks to Shadowwolf for the generous donation to charity") ("And remember kids, stay in character. Or else you'll find yourself in jail") MARIK: Meow. S-NEKO